Finding my true self is not an easy task, let me tell you. It is bloody hard to face all those stupid thoughts and beliefs that have been my reality for years. Admitting to myself that I might have been wrong is the hardest and equally the most liberating thing all at once.
I'm sitting in the daily seminars, listening to how I need to be in order to not stress anymore and all I can think is "They are describing my husband". For years I have called him selfish. Now I realise that maybe he has been right and I have been wrong. My husband is someone who knows exactly who he is. I think I have always admired that in him. He says what he thinks, he stands by what he believes in, he doesn't give two hoots about what other people think about him or if they like him. He has the incredible ability to intuitively know what is right and wrong, who to trust and who to be careful with and he can spot people who are not authentic from a mile away.
I have grown up and mastered the art of being a people pleaser. I am very good at studying people, subconsciously knowing what makes them tick and being whoever they need me to be so that they like me. This means I do get on with pretty much everyone and find it incredibly easy to connect with people. But it also means that I morph into whatever the situation I'm in requires of me, rather than being my true self. I do lots of things I don't actually want to do, just because I don't want to disappoint others. I go out of my own way to help others, and so often act against my own personal needs.
It drives Richard crazy. He can see how doing this is no good for me, but in my belief system I am right and he is wrong. Maybe growing up in socialist East Germany, I learned that you should always put your own needs behind those of the community? My mum certainly taught me by her own example that putting others first is how one should be.
I'm realising that I need to become more like Richard. Put my own needs first, then consider those of others. Help, when help is needed, but don't offer help unless you really want to do it and have the time, strength and energy to do it. And don't expect anything in return. I often get disappointed when people I have helped in the past don not return the favour when I need something.
What do I really want to do? If I only consider myself and nobody else? Feeling inside myself, I make a list of what my next steps are going to be.
I would really like to stop teaching business German. I have loved it, but I always felt it wasn't what I truly wanted to do with my life. My voice has gone and although officially my clients believe I will return when I'm better (a friend has been covering my lessons), I have to admit to myself that I don't actually want to teach anymore. At least not language.
I love Reiki. It really gives me a buzz and my energy just soars when I treat others. It's almost like giving others a Reiki treatment I treat myself at the same time. Helping people in this way, really energizes me and makes me feel incredible. I've already got my Reiki Level One and Two. Maybe I could work as a Reiki practitioner? I'd love to become a Reiki Master. That definitely goes on my to do list.
Reiki has shown me how much I enjoy learning new things. Another thing to go on my list is more personal development. Not qualifications so I can earn more money, but stuff I'm passionate about, topics that interest me. My grandparents were refugees in the second world war. They lost everything they owned and had to start from scratch. My grandmother always used to say to me "My girl, learn. What you've got in your head, nobody can take away from you." I will learn again.
Last on my list is the thing that will be the hardest. The one that is the most important of all: put myself first. Stop thinking about everyone else before I think about myself. I am learning that I can only be there for others, if I am well. To be well, I need to look after myself. I know from past experience where not looking after myself gets me and if I'm a rolled up bundle of pain I cannot help others at all. If I neglect myself, I cannot be the best mum, the best wife, the best friend, the best daughter or sister. I need to learn to rest and restore.