Updated: Mar 24, 2022
I am not yet getting all the answers I am looking for. Healing naturally is a bit like removing layers of an onion. You go layer by layer, only when you've removed one, will the next layer be shown to you. You work on that, the next layer appears.
My next layer comes when I have my weekly appointment with Dr. Smith, the GP. We look at my voice and he says I can't speak because there is an emotional blockage somewhere that needs to be removed. It's a totally different approach to my home GP. But I suppose in the UK the GP's time with their patient is so limited, they cannot afford to actually talk to you and find out what might be going on in your life that's causing whatever your issue might be. Here, everything that presents in the physical body as seen as a result of an energy imbalance caused by emotional upsets, limiting beliefs or past trauma big or small. The aim is to discover the cause, not to treat the symptom.
Dr. Smith suggests trying kinesiology in order to find this root cause for both endometriosis and the lost voice. As we have a resident kinesiologist in the house with Erika, I immediately get on the case. She is more than happy to help and we do what in kinesiology is called a muscle test. This is absolutely fascinating. The idea is that your body knows what it needs better than your mind does. Overriding your mind, you ask the body questions and it will answer with yes, no or maybe by either allowing or resisting your outstretched arm to be moved up or down. I'm a little doubtful how this will work but am amazed when my arm seems to take on a life of its own going into a yes-no-maybe conversation with Erika.
The end result is all to do with my family ancestry line, in particular my maternal grandmother (and my mother as the link to me). My body tells me that apparently subconsciously I don't trust life, because life causes pain and suffering. As I've linked life with pain and suffering, I'm scared to live life fully, as I'm afraid the pain and suffering will increase along with the life force I allow myself to embody. So instead of living the life I'd like to live, I keep my life force down. In a way, suffering the way I do subconsciously validates this core belief I have created. Core beliefs are often created in the first six years of our lives, when we watch the people around us and subconsciously pick up their beliefs, trying to work out how to be "a human in this world".
I can see how both my grandmother and mother held the belief that "life was hard, especially as a woman". When I got my period aged 11, the first thing my mum said was "Oh, now you've got that shitty thing, too". Being a woman was not desirable. You were at a disadvantage and anything feminine had negativity attached to it. I can see the link to my feminine reproductive organs energetically falling out of balance and me developing an illness like endometriosis that effects the very area in the body where my femininity resides.
For my voice, writing comes up. I want to write, but I'm scared to show the world who I truly am. Again the female aspect comes in, this time as the female voice that is suppressed. My grandmother always used to say she should write a book about her life. I almost feel that whatever blockage there is, it's something I need to heal for both of us. Is it my job to write her story? My story? Will writing it all down help release the blockage in my throat, the growths that are actually stopping me from speaking right now?
I have some handwritten pages my grandmother wrote before she died of cervical cancer. I think to truly understand myself, I have to understand her suffering.